My Heart's In Oklahoma

I had another post planned for today but in light of the tragic events that took place in Oklahoma yesterday, I wanted to feel a little bit of their pain and write my thoughts.

I often struggle with the thought of having children. Not because I wouldn't want to be a mother, because being a mother and caring for a dependent child seems like an unbelievable experience. But simply because I fear I will fall short. I don't think I can take care of somebody completely, or well. I don't think I would have it in me to wake up in the middle of night, or to make three meals a day to nourish a child well. I think I would lose my patience, and in some way or another disappoint my child and myself. I don't believe this is an irrational thought. In fact, I think a lot of women have these thoughts pre-motherhood. Children aren't in my near future, I am content being a wife, daughter and aunt for now. But when things like this happen, and 20+ children lose their lives suddenly to a natural disaster, the nurturing, caring and mother-like virtues come out in me.

I saw the news and fell to my knees, crying. Heartbroken. Thinking of the moms who left their children at school this morning, planning on picking them up and making them dinner tonight.
Thinking and almost being able to hear the whaling and anguish as their children were being searched for under the debris.
Imagining the gasp and ache in their chest as other children were being rescued alive, not their child.
I cry as I think of what was going through these mother's minds. The thought of their precious children calling out to them for help. Crying, screaming. And then no more.
The traumatizing frustration of knowing their children were hanging on for their lives and there was nothing they could do, nothing. But wait in anguish. Until they were given the devastating news.
I can picture them literally crumbling to the ground. Broken like never before. Never being the same. Feeling a pain they didn't imagine possible.

All while the rest of us are fortunate enough to carry on tonight. To love on our loved ones. To take a good look at them. We can't change anything for those mothers. They are shattered. We are praying for you. We, not knowing you, love you and are with you.

The only thing we can do is learn from their painful experience. We can love deeper because of their pain. We can take today and celebrate that we have those we love near us. To adventure with, to laugh with, to support. The chance to make our presence known in their lives. Not necessarily by doing great things, but by doing small things with great love. Today I will make my husband's favorite home-cooked meal, because I have the chance to.

As a kid I would always ask my mom how she made her meals taste so good and she would always respond with "because they're made with mom's love," it was funny to me then. Not knowing how very true it was. How those meals she made me showed me how much she loved me. How she took the opportunity to cherish me by putting my hair in pig tails, packing my lunch and making me my favorite dinners.
I am so thankful I still have the chance to adore my family. I must make it count.

"Teach us to number our days so we can have a wise heart" Psalms 90:12


  1. Very beautifully written .

  2. I love this. thank you for sharing your heart. I will be praying your scripture reference tonight. <3 it's so true. as a single mother of two littles. I can tell you that in the hope and anticipation of having your child (pregnancy, or adoption), then through newborn days & nights and the years that follow, all of the experiences from day one of the hope of wanting and beginning the process of having a child, you will gain an indescribable feeling that will give you unconditional love, amazing strength and surprising patience;) for your child. yes the baby books help teach you a few bits here and there but once your child is in your arms, you instinctly all of a sudden know what to do and how to give more of yourself than you ever thought possible. i never knew I could be this strong or endure all that I have, but God has taken care of me and given me all I've needed to care and love my children beyond measure. motherhood is truly a calling and an awesome blessing. I believe you'll feel all of these things in the midst of your own journey one day!
    much love,

  3. Bless you for thinking and praying for Oklahoma! It is so heartbreaking! My mom is a retired teacher in Oklahoma and I couldn't help but think about had it been her classroom or school that had been hit and how she would have reacted. I cannot imagine what how the families feel, or the teachers for that matter--one thing is for sure, we have a lot of everyday heroes in Oklahoma, that's for sure!

  4. This is so good! I have thought some of the same things myself, it's crazy to think how fast a life can be taken. It also helps me cherish the ones around me and the future children I may have. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing these thoughts.

  5. It warms my heart that you wrote this, as I'm from Oklahoma.

    I live in Oklahoma City about 20 minutes from Moore, which is southwest Oklahoma City-ish. We had sirens go off, but the tornado chose to pave it's way through a heavily populated area of Moore. I am touched that you took the time to mourn with us, Nicholl.

    As a mother of two, I also imagined my children - scared to death - crying for me, and knowing all they had to protect them was a backpack above their head. Yesterday, my children didn't understand why I was in tears throughout the day. You are right wonder how you could raise a child in this world - I wondered the same thing. But when you have children of your own, something inside you takes over. God gives me the grace to meet their needs before meeting my own. If you think you love your husband, wait until you have a child. It's a gripping love that is like no other. You, my friend, will be a GREAT mom. {I, too, thought I'd NEVER be cut out for this motherhood thing. But, here I am a SAHM of two and I love it!}

    Some people don't understand why we live in Oklahoma, considering the tornadoes. I could ask the same question for those who live in places that frequently experience earthquakes, hurricanes, deadly winters...Natural disasters happen, but it doesn't change where your heart is. For Oklahomans, we love our state. We're proud of it. We aren't a bunch of rednecks who ride horses to work. We're well-educated, hard-working, God-fearing people who have what we call an Oklahoma Standard. We help one another no matter what. We're resilient, raw and real. And our people are the tip of the iceberg. ;) We ask, "Why WOULDN'T you want to live in Oklahoma?"

    Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. {Hugs}


  6. Hi Nicholl,
    I've been ready your blog for some time now and I must say it's one of my favorites. I had chills while I read this entry and my heart was broken as well.

    I hope we're not quick to forget the pain and suffering of those victims and their loved ones like we have been to forget so many others who have faced tragedy.

    Thank you for vocalizing many of the thoughts that I think many women have but are even afraid to admit (myself included).

    This is the second place in which I find this scripture today. What a beautiful reminder it is to not take our fragile lives for granted and to cherish not only our loved ones, but all those we encounter.

    All the best!


  7. I have been reading your blog for a while now, but never had the urge to comment as much as I do now...wow. That was absolutely beautiful. I still can feel the goosebumps and the tears in my eyes. You put the things that I have been feeling also in the most perfect words. Thank you.

  8. I am with you 100%! I don't want kids for a while because I don't feel like I am capable of providing the love and attention they would deserve. It's totally a natural feeling and I think if more people took their time, there would be less children going through struggles at such an early age due to parental issues.

  9. When I hear about stuff like this it breaks my heart. I have 2 little ones and just can't even imagine going through that. You just want to protect your children but never know what is going to happen. I love to be in control and that is just one situation where you can't be and that terrifies me. I'm just so sad.

  10. I was born, raised and still live in Moore. Thank you for this post and for sending your prayers. That honestly means more than anything right now. I was separated from my three year old the entire day. When we were finally able to get to her that night I squeezed her until she couldn't breath.

    About motherhood though. I was never baby crazy. I knew I wanted one, eventually. I never felt that longing, until she was in my arms. She changed my life and my whole way of thinking. The only thing that matters to me now is her safety and happiness. Nothing gives me more joy than to hear her laugh. And that's something I never thought I'd say before I had kids.


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