I had another post planned for today but in light of the tragic events that took place in Oklahoma yesterday, I wanted to feel a little bit of their pain and write my thoughts.

I often struggle with the thought of having children. Not because I wouldn't want to be a mother, because being a mother and caring for a dependent child seems like an unbelievable experience. But simply because I fear I will fall short. I don't think I can take care of somebody completely, or well. I don't think I would have it in me to wake up in the middle of night, or to make three meals a day to nourish a child well. I think I would lose my patience, and in some way or another disappoint my child and myself. I don't believe this is an irrational thought. In fact, I think a lot of women have these thoughts pre-motherhood. Children aren't in my near future, I am content being a wife, daughter and aunt for now. But when things like this happen, and 20+ children lose their lives suddenly to a natural disaster, the nurturing, caring and mother-like virtues come out in me.
I saw the news and fell to my knees, crying. Heartbroken. Thinking of the moms who left their children at school this morning, planning on picking them up and making them dinner tonight.
Thinking and almost being able to hear the whaling and anguish as their children were being searched for under the debris.
Imagining the gasp and ache in their chest as other children were being rescued alive, not their child.
I cry as I think of what was going through these mother's minds. The thought of their precious children calling out to them for help. Crying, screaming. And then no more.
The traumatizing frustration of knowing their children were hanging on for their lives and there was nothing they could do, nothing. But wait in anguish. Until they were given the devastating news.
I can picture them literally crumbling to the ground. Broken like never before. Never being the same. Feeling a pain they didn't imagine possible.
All while the rest of us are fortunate enough to carry on tonight. To love on our loved ones. To take a good look at them. We can't change anything for those mothers. They are shattered. We are praying for you. We, not knowing you, love you and are with you.
The only thing we can do is learn from their painful experience. We can love deeper because of their pain. We can take today and celebrate that we have those we love near us. To adventure with, to laugh with, to support. The chance to make our presence known in their lives. Not necessarily by doing great things, but by doing small things with great love. Today I will make my husband's favorite home-cooked meal, because I have the chance to.
As a kid I would always ask my mom how she made her meals taste so good and she would always respond with "because they're made with mom's love," it was funny to me then. Not knowing how very true it was. How those meals she made me showed me how much she loved me. How she took the opportunity to cherish me by putting my hair in pig tails, packing my lunch and making me my favorite dinners.
I am so thankful I still have the chance to adore my family. I must make it count.
"Teach us to number our days so we can have a wise heart" Psalms 90:12